The 1st and 3rd from Bob in Cambridge and the 2nd from Jim in New England. Keep um coming guys.....
Cheers and Enjoy
It was a sunny Sunday morning on the first hole and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.Again the announcement:"Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the MEN'S tee."I simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once more,the man yelled:"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee, PLEASE!"Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the window directly at the person with the mike. I cupped my hands and shouted back:"Would the c*** in the clubhouse kindly shut the f*** up and let me play my second shot?"
A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on."Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?" Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit."Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?""It's important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you."After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5."Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet."I've saved your life again," said the caddy.The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg.As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly."Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously."I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot here."That's why you never lie about your handicap
A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I had landed when my cruise ship sank.""Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.""Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.""But, where did you get the tools?""Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."The guy is stunned."Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."Would you like a drink?"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice.""It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism."This woman is amazing," he muses. What's next? When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her."Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..."he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,"… You've built a Golf Course?"
G O L F ................................. Grow old living fine.............. cant beat it
GOOD HEALTH TO YOU ALL is my xmas wish to each and everyone of you next year..
remember there are no bad rounds of golf except the last you will ever play.
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